# Can't you question The "Can't you" question [[anti-pattern]] is when someone frames a suggestion, refusal, or criticism as a rhetorical question beginning with "Can't you…" (or similar, like "Don't you think you should…?", "Couldn’t you just…?"). It typically sounds passive-aggressive, condescending, or accusatory, even if that wasn’t the speaker's intention. Instead of openly expressing a need or giving feedback, the speaker indirectly implies: - The listener should already know or have done something. - The action is obvious or trivial. - The speaker doubts the listener’s competence or judgment. ## Example: Instead of saying, > I think you should do this task yourself. they say, > Can't you do it yourself? ## Why it's an anti-pattern: - It erodes trust and collaboration. - It invites defensiveness rather than dialogue. - It disguises a request or opinion as a judgment, causing unnecessary friction. ## Healthier alternatives: - Make a direct suggestion: "You should do it yourself." - Ask a neutral question: "Would you like to do it yourself?" - Use I-statements: "I'd appreciate it if you could do it yourself."